Current location:	work
Current mood:	contemplative

Dilemmas and Sub Dilemmas

• D.1.  My cousin Gidget, on my Mother's side of the family has been diagnosed with both uterine and ovarian cancer. The ovarian cancer is stage 3, I am unsure as to what stage the uterine is in. My mother's cancer was in stage 3 when they found it as well. I'm very worried for her and can't even imagine the fear and pain she is experiencing as I have seen this disease in action.
  
•           S.D.1. I feel like I'm completely making this about me, but I have a very real fear here. My cousin is only like 36 years old. And it is very, very rare to be diagnsed w/ ovarian cancer premenopausal. Both my mom and gidget were diagnosed before menopause. It is obvious to me now that this is how I will die and it will most likely happen before the age of 40. I cannot sleep because this is all I think about. My Dad had the email address of my Mom's gyno, so I emailed him this morning expressing my fears about this. I almost feel like I should just get a hysterectomy to prevent this from happening.
  
• D.2. I am freaking fat and I can't stand it. I have gained so much weight I have never been this heavy in my life. I hate looking at myself in pictures b/c my face looks so fucking fat. I keep crying b/c i fucking hate the way I look.
• S.D.2. I'm not sure what the best way to lose weight is? I'm sure if I go on a strict diet I won't stick to it b/c I will be miserable. I really should join a gym, but here's the issues with that: 1) I really can't afford it 2) I don't have the time. - I mean right now it's ok b/c i'm on a break from school, but when school starts up again when the hell am I going to find the time to work full time, go to school, spend time with the boy and the dog b/c i feel terrible leaving her all day, and then go to a gym and work out for 2 hours?
• D.3. I hate my stupid fucking apartment. I just renewed my least for 7 months b/c they wouldn't let me renew for 6. These people are sucking every penny they can get out of me. My neightbor is starting to act out again, but I just can't afford to move right now, and I really don't want to move in the winter again.
• S.D.3. Where the hell will i move? I really like the townhouses in east rochester. I love the idea of having 2 floors, a 2nd bedroom, and my own washer and dryer. But I'm really, really worried that I can't afford it. I mean it's basically the same rent I pay not, but heat is not included which really, really scares  me. I really don't want to move into the city mainly because I think the city is a fucking toilet. I love the apartments and stuff there (if i could find one big enough) but I really don't think it would be my scene.
• S.D.3.1. Should I start looking for a house? My Dad keeps pushing me to do this. But i really don't think I can afford it. Maybe one on the foreclosure list. But then I would be responsible for everything: taxes, insurance, etc. What if something breaks? I don't think I could afford a mortgage anyways. Will I ever have my own house?
• D.4. School, school, school. I thought I was going to try and get into the paralegal program at MCC. But I was recently investigating this career and found that the average salary is only $46,000/year. That isn't even $10k more than I make now. How the hell can I live off of that with a family? If I ever even have kids, b/c going back to D.1. there is a very probably chance this will not happen.
• S.D.4. I am going to be in school for like 10 years just to get an A.A. degree or a certification. And what the hell am I even going to be able to do w/ an A.A. degree? No one cares about that. It's basically like saying, hey I don't feel like going to school for 4 years but I still think I'm entitled to a real job. Ugh. Plus what if I end up sucking at what I want to do? And what if that's really not what I want to do??
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