MB's Place

So I havent posted in a really long time. No new updates really. School is going OK - I still need to register for next semester. I have probably about 1/2 of my christmas shopping done, which i'm super excited about. My brother comes home in 2 weeks!!!!!!! I can't wait to see him. I miss him so much. And I guess thats all i really have for now.

so today always makes me sad. but its ok. i just cant believe so much time has passed. seven years....i still remember this day like it just happened.  it just sucks :( i miss her so much sometimes it physically hurts. but i'm much better now than i used to be. i just hate today.

soooo i've been feeling a ton of pressure lately from my family to get married. i dont necessarily feel the need to be married right now, but i dont think i would say no if i was asked. i feel like i still have time b/c i'm only 23. but now my dad thinks that trevor is never going to ask me and thinks he's like going to "coast along" (as he puts it). This makes me feel kind of akward, b/c i feel like my Dad doesn't really like Trevor anymore because of this, which is kind of hypocritical b/c my parents dated for 6 years before they got married, but they didn't live together first obviously. My Dad is convinced that because we have lived together before marriage we will never actually get married. So even aside from my Dad, the rest of his family is up my ass about it b/c Mike is getting married. Which is ridiculous in itself. They feel that Mike's "fiance," Andrea is more a part of our family b/c mike and her are engaged which really pisses me off, b/c she hasn't even been around for a fucking year yet. All anyone talks about is their fucking wedding and the plans for it. She never ever talks to me b/c i dont want to talk about the wedding for 5 hours at family events. It's also really embarassing for me b/c i can see that Trevor knows that, and I feel bad. Yesterday totally grossed me out. For labor day Mike and  Andrea, brought her sister who just had a baby to the picnic. The whole time either Mike or Andea was carrying this baby around saying, "I can't wait until we have one of our own!" I seriously threw up in my mouth. It was so retarded. So anyways, to my point I feel like everyone there totally looks down on my b/c i'm the only one that isn't living the "traditional" lifestyle and basically has no plan. Mike is getting married and wants to start a family right away, Hannah is going to graduate from MCC this year and move on from there, Zach just joined the Air Force. And here's me, with absolutely nothing going on, which is my own fault. Its making me feel totally inadequate. But, so what if i dont want to get married right away and have kids? What if I never want to have kids, b/c right now thats where i'm at. I dont want to be a stay at home Mom, I want to work. And I don't want to send my kids to day care while I work b/c thats not how I was brought up at all. I dont want to bust my ass going to school for 9384572485 years to get a fucking 2 year degree (pathetic) only to sit at home as a pregnant grown up baby sitter.

So yeah, these are my general feelings of frustration.

In other news, I really need to get moving on buying a washer and dryer. It's become a real pain not to have one and to have to drive over to the community center to do laundry. Oh and I think my eye is twitching again. NOT cool. It is the most annoying and embarrassing thing ever. I don't want to have to get a shot again either, not only for the fact that it's a fucking needle in my eye again and i had a huge black eye after words, but those shots are like $200. Ughhhhh.

i hate my hips. and i hate buying mom jeans. the end.

so i dont know why the hell this is bothering me so much, but it is so i'm going to vent about it on here. i was at my aunts last night getting my hair cut and she told me that my cousin mike's fiance, andrea, found her wedding dress. so she was telling me about the trying on process and whatever. and she said that andrea had a really hard time knowing which one was the right dress because of stuff that her recently married friends had told her. One of those things was: "you will know when it's the right dress because your mother will cry." well what the fuck does that mean. thats not very fair if you ask me. what about people that dont have mothers. are we not entitled to find our wedding dress ever? is this actually what people think? is this actually what we deem to be social quam when picking out a wedding dress? i dont know, this just really, really bothered me. it sounds stupid, i know. i'm not expecting an understanding here i guess, it just made me angry and pissed at people's ignorance. ugh.

So I'm having my pre-semester freak out as i usually do before i start school. yes, i know it's mcc and not some smart school that's really hard, but still it's hard for me. i am not smart. i'm taking marketing and accounting this semester. i'm taking marketing online and it's a late start class. the other one was already filled up. i'm kind of annoyed about that and didn't want to do the late start. but i guess that gives me the first month just to focus on accounting, which is the one i'm really freaking out about. i just do not anticipate being good at this at all. and now i'm freaking out because mcc changed their policy on the paralegal program. it used to be that you had to have a 2 year degree before you could enter into the paralegal certification program. It's basically another 2 years of school, if i was full time. now you have to have a 4 year degree before you can enter into that. i'm not going to go to school for 20 years just be a fucking paralegal. it's not like being a doctor or something. i know it's not some big great aspiration of a profession. i wasn't even ever thinking about going to a 4 year school. where would i even go? i would never be able to afford it. do they even offer night programs? sdjflasjdfl;kajdf freaking out. they told me to email the director of the paralegal program and ask with my "work experience" (and i use that term lightly) if i would qualify to enter the program only after obtaining my associates degree. i dont think it will qualify. yeah i suppose i do legal things, but not very intensely. i'm really, really frustrated at this point and feel like this is just a total waste and i just want to cry. i should have just fucking sucked it up and gone to school after high school. i constantly use my mom as an excuse for why i didn't, but is that really, truely why i didn't go? or am i just lying to myself, to make myself feel better. ugh.....and i'm moving in like 3 fucking days. everything is just going to hell.

soooo trevor and i have been fighting constantly, like every single day. the only time we didn't fight was when i was away in texas. i feel like maybe signing another lease with him is a mistake, but if i dont he'll just break up with me anyways because he absolutely refuses to take just a break, even though i've suggested it many times. i dunno, maybe i'm blowing this out of proportion, but i just can't stand all this fighting anymore. i feel like everyone will take this the wrong way too, so maybe i shouldn't even be posting this, i just need to vent. and everytime we fight he takes absolutely no responsibility for any of it and just tells me that i'm wrong about everything, and he gets really mean and really says some below the belt stuff. like lately he's been making fun of me b/c i used to take prozac, after my mom passed, b/c i did have a hard time with it. ugh. i just dont know. but i can't take all this fighting all the time.

i dont know what to do...

:(

soooo i've been seriously considering quitting smoking lately, but i have some hang ups about it. the only real reason i want to quit is because it's so fucking expensive. like i constantly bitch about money, when i spend close to $200/month on cigarettes. Ridic. Thats like $2400/year. Thats a fucking car payment. Anyways, my issues are that I really do enjoy smoking. While, I don't really smoke when I'm at home (especially in the winter), i do a lot at work and obviously when i'm drinking out at the bar, or just drinking lol. since we moved into this apartment, about a year and a half ago, i dont smoke inside anymore, and mostly i'm too lazy to get up and go outside lol. work is where i think the real problem is going to take place and also when i'm out and about with my friends that smoke. trevor would have to quit too, but i dont know if he wants too. i think it would be too difficult for me to be with someone that smokes, while trying to quit smoking. so i think this is going to be more of a psychological thing for me versus a physical thing. so anyways, i've been contemplating this lately. but no decision has been made at this time. i feel like i should at least wait until i move, i wont be as stressed out, so there won't be as much temptation there. so yeah, i'm just really thinking outloud about this i guess.

my week is filled to the brim. tonight is softball, tomorrow i have to go look at 2 apartments and then meet trevor's parents for drinks, wednesday is pixie's yearly vet appointment and packing, and i have to be at the airport at 4:30am on Thursday. And I am working full days up through Wednesday. I should be back on Sunday, but I'm not sure what time. I can't wait to see Zach though, but I'm not looking forward to flying. Anyways, back to work.

i really don't want to be 23, i think i'll just stay being 22.

its canada day. does anyone else have a problem with this?

i am so fucking over july 3rd i dont even want to go anymore.

sdlkjfhaskljdhfaslkjdhf. so apartment hunting is getting pretty frustrating. All I do is read through ads that say "pets allowed" and then if you read further down it says...we accept most pets, except dogs. like wtf. then just say cats allowed only. dont say "pets" as that implies everything. cats are way more damaging than dogs are do i don't understand what the big fucking stick up everyone's ass is about dogs. i am so freaking frustrated at this point. i don't want to live in this hell hole anymore, also referred to as highland bay apartments. i'm ready to just live out of my car at this point.

i am totally annoyed right now.

so my brother leaves in like a week. and i'm like freaking out. he is actually being sworn in at the airshow in charlotte beach this weekend. and then he leaves june 2nd. ugh this is so hard.

so one communications has instituted a "summer hours program" aka how to fuck your employees in the ass. starting may 31st they are cutting everyone's hours by 3 a week for 90 days. some people will have a 5 hour cut. while they cant "force" you to work these hours but it is expected of you. we are also doing another lay off. so right now i am pretty fucking pissed and pretty fucking terrified that i will lose my job. laaaaame.

So I am bored. I'm actually not, there are things I could be doing but a choose not to lol. Anyways, I was reading CNN today and I came across this article: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/05/05/rs.Questions.For.Your.Mother/index.html

It made me kind of sad, especially the last question. Although I'm not sure why that one particularly made me feel sad? There are a lot of questions that I wish I would have asked/said to my Mom, but I never did. Anyways, with Mother's Day coming up, I thought it would be nice for others to read as these may be some questions that they want to ask there own Mothers. Or even just read it for that matter. You never know when you won't have the opportunity anymore. I'll stop talking about this now.

so i'm going to PA this weekend, so I won't be around. My cousin Mike (who I used to live with) isn't going which really pisses me off. His girlfriend's  (actually his fiance, but I refuse to address her as such b/c i think their engagement is ridiculous and by the way they have been together for like 8 months and got engaged 3 months ago) father is having a birthday that weekend. And not like a significant birthday like 50 years old or something either. This trip is supposed to be about getting everyone together for the last time before my brother goes away. Zach really looks up to Mike and I know it has really disappointed him that he has not going. Ever since he has been with this girl, who annoys the shit out of me, he never talks to anyone anymore. I maybe see him at family things if he decides to show up. I just think it really hurt Zach that he chose not to come. Like he could come and his girlfriend could stay, wow you are without eachother for 2 days. Anyways, I'm just venting really, about his lameness. Mother's day is this Sunday, which as everyone knows I am not really a fan of, but that is Ok I guess. It just really sucks, that I am kind of surrounded by that all day long. I dont know, i cant explain it. It sounds stupid I know. back to work...

So Katie's new cute tat has inspired me to really start thinking about what I want for my 4th tat. I've been thinking about this for a while, but nothing has really stuck with me that I would want on my forever. Well I think I have made my decision. I am either going to get the USAF symbol or the US Roundel symbol for my amazing little brother. I think I like the roundel a little better as it's less manly lol. But I would get it really, really small, down near my ankle or my foot. I think I am going to do it on the same foot as my Mom tat. If I get it on that foot, I think I would get it directly behind my ankle bone, up towards the top of my ankle bone. If I get it on the other foot I think I would get it up more towards the top of my ankle bone, more up on my ankle. Anyways, I have posted the pics of what I am looking at.

So, I guy I work with, his daughter was killed over the weekend. I went to the calling hours yesterday, very sad. So we've all been collecting money here and raised $350 for a donation to lollypop farm in the girl's name (this is where they asked all donations to go). Well the person who was collecting it supposedly had it stolen out of his desk last night. First, off if you would steal something like that you are a complete bastard who deserves to get hit by a bus and then contract AIDS through a blood transfusion while in the hospital, and then slowly rot in hell for all eternity. But I am kind of blaming the guy that collected the money. Why the hell would you leave $350 in your desk UNLOCKED. Everyone knew he was collecting it. And if you didn't have a lock on your desk you should have fucking given it to someone who did. I am so unbelievably appauled that someone would steal that. And if they don't go to hell I will personally send them there myself.

I have completely lost all faith in humanity.

i am so over having my period every month